Day 1

Day 1-of guilt games

3/4/12 

and it begins, the feeling of pain, and hurt, and emptiness. I hear the sirens, whistle by. I thought about him, I know that sounds horrible, but the fact he got arrested a lot just made me link him to the sirens. I thought about how far away he might be. how alone he feels, that he doesn’t have me to come home to, which is what I hope he thinks, but he turned out to be a giant, heart failing lie. I remember the face he gave me when he was happy, happy to be with ME. No one else. I remember the warm summer nights, I would spend sitting in the drive way, with him by my side. The days we would just lay on the couch and watch my shows. I remember his tender voice, in our late night conversations. The love in your eyes over powered me. the sometimes blue, sometimes tinted green eyes. I sometimes wish he could have just never biked his way over to my house everyday. I fell, the kind of fall that you know it isn’t going to end well, but you just can’t stay away from the feelings of love and happiness when around him. I hate having to know the feeling of being no one’s girl, no ones beautiful world. but seeing the the other side of him, caught me off guard, he was scary, and munipulative, I don’t know how it got to be the way it is.. the more I saw him after a break up made me realize that it wasn’t right. he was just as abusive as the others, but mentally. I should have seen the way he treated his mother he wasn’t gonna be good to me. I love him, but the more he loved me, the scarier it got. the constant neediness, the  constant questions. it wasn’t right, but everyone saw the sweet side, never the side I did. 

now the only thing I worry about is if he is thinking of me.. most likely not in a good way. I know he is, but the fact that I hurt him so bad, I know that he isn’t any where near being nice. I know the love he has for me is still there. but hopefully it will be gone by the time he comes back, because I don’t want him to hurt anymore.. ugh. fuck me. I love him…

                                     Sincerely,

                               Rache Lee Radiation